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Bitter Before Better

Before I found my better, I was very, very bitter.

It’s not about never being bitter. It’s about trying to navigate through your bitter, to eventually find your better.

It is not an easy process, but it is possible in time.

Below is a Facebook post I made, before I found my better.

The last time Michelle would see our home was December 26, 2015.  I rushed her to the Emergency Room that night.  We would spend the next 5 days at the hospital and then 22 days at hospice before she would take her final breath with us on January 22, 2016.

This post was written on December 28, 2015. A few hours after we were told that Michelle only had a couple of weeks left to live.

I believe in a higher power. Reincarnation, fate and a Heaven. I don’t believe in a hell like its described in the Bible. I believe we live many lives. What I can’t stand is when someone says karma. Karma? Really, when was the last time you saw something really shitty happen to a really shitty person? Think about it. It’s the good who die young, are abused, suffer all this world has to offer. Now, when was the last time you saw something really shitty happen to a great person. I bet you a whole bunch of things just popped up in your head. My wife is amazing. Kind, funny, forgiving, loving, generous. To know her is to love her. She has overcome so much in her life. All she wanted was for her daughter to have a life she didn’t have. All she would say these last two and a half years is how she wanted to beat this so our little girl didn’t have to feel the pain she felt growing up. I guess karma wasn’t on Michelle’s side. I guess karma wasn’t on our side, having lost each other and then finding each other again only to be struck with a terminal illness shortly after. Dreams of 50 beautiful years together down the drain in a heartbeat. Dreams of her little girl living a carefree, pain free child hood down the drain in a heartbeat. My heart is crushed. All over. In 5 billion pieces. I always dreamt about what it would be like if Michelle and I ever found our way back to each other, but never actually imagined it could happen. I’ve always wanted to adopt a child instead of having my own and while she is only my step daughter I could not possibly love her anymore even if she were my own creation. What Michelle and I found when we found each other again was what we had both been searching for all of our lives. Boom, not for long. Talk to me about karma. Seeing my beautiful wife be destroyed by this illness. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. Talk to me about karma. Seeing my beautiful girl cry those sad sad tears and hug me so hard over and over again while my heart shattered and my eyes exploded with tears, again and again. Talk to me about karma. We were the 3 amigos, best friends, mom and step dad to an amazing little girl. I already miss our family so much. My heart cries for all three of us. This is cancer. This is hell, no need for the Bible version.

3 thoughts on “Bitter Before Better

  1. Ditto! My 31 year old husband passed away on 2/19 from cancer. He was the best and never deserved cancer or death. I miss him terribly but I know he is still spiritually by my side. He has come to me many times and I’ve written to him. I’m at peace and I hope you are to. I commend you for continuing your life for yourself and your family. So many people have their opinions on what us widows and widowers should do, however only we know what is best for us.

  2. I cannot stop re reading this post, I hate to admit this but I guess I am bitter not better at this moment. Your post about Karma is exactly how I feel at this moment. My husband was an angel, we also dated years before re connecting, 8 years to be exact. When we re connected, I swear I thought fairy tales existed and I had never been so happy in all of my life. We fell so madly in love, we were so grateful for each other, we had everything to look forward to. We were engaged and married and planned on having children and a lifetime of traveling and loving each other and then just like that he was diagnosed with Colon cancer. We were so hopeful because he almost beat it and during that time I became pregnant and we thought we made it to remission only to find out 2 months later his cancer had spread. I did everything in my power to help him beat the disease i just could not accept that he wouldn’t, i researched new drugs and went to see every doctor i could with him in NYC. I refused to accept he would die.. I was so scared of that and I didn’t want to live without my “person” my soulmate and love of my life. I’m now without him for three months and I can’t help but to be bitter. My Danny was kind, and loving. He was a wonderful husband and son. He was hardworking and giving.. he loved me so much and only wanted to be with me until we were old.. he would tell me all the time. He could not wait to be a dad, he would talk about it all the time and now I am going to raise our children alone and worst they won’t ever know how wonderful he was. He didn’t deserve any of this and it leaves me so bitter.. I was never a bitter person, but I honestly can’t help it. I hope in time I can get to a place of peace, to be “better not bitter”.. but I can’t help but think that would be so far from today.. We were people of faith and now I question everything.. life, faith, everything. I thank you for posting this because sometimes I am embarrassed about my bitterness.. it helps to read this.

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