Before I found my better, I was very, very bitter.
It’s not about never being bitter. It’s about trying to navigate through your bitter, to eventually find your better.
It is not an easy process, but it is possible in time.
Below is a Facebook post I made, before I found my better.
The last time Michelle would see our home was December 26, 2015. I rushed her to the Emergency Room that night. We would spend the next 5 days at the hospital and then 22 days at hospice before she would take her final breath with us on January 22, 2016.
This post was written on December 28, 2015. A few hours after we were told that Michelle only had a couple of weeks left to live.
I believe in a higher power. Reincarnation, fate and a Heaven. I don’t believe in a hell like its described in the Bible. I believe we live many lives. What I can’t stand is when someone says karma. Karma? Really, when was the last time you saw something really shitty happen to a really shitty person? Think about it. It’s the good who die young, are abused, suffer all this world has to offer. Now, when was the last time you saw something really shitty happen to a great person. I bet you a whole bunch of things just popped up in your head. My wife is amazing. Kind, funny, forgiving, loving, generous. To know her is to love her. She has overcome so much in her life. All she wanted was for her daughter to have a life she didn’t have. All she would say these last two and a half years is how she wanted to beat this so our little girl didn’t have to feel the pain she felt growing up. I guess karma wasn’t on Michelle’s side. I guess karma wasn’t on our side, having lost each other and then finding each other again only to be struck with a terminal illness shortly after. Dreams of 50 beautiful years together down the drain in a heartbeat. Dreams of her little girl living a carefree, pain free child hood down the drain in a heartbeat. My heart is crushed. All over. In 5 billion pieces. I always dreamt about what it would be like if Michelle and I ever found our way back to each other, but never actually imagined it could happen. I’ve always wanted to adopt a child instead of having my own and while she is only my step daughter I could not possibly love her anymore even if she were my own creation. What Michelle and I found when we found each other again was what we had both been searching for all of our lives. Boom, not for long. Talk to me about karma. Seeing my beautiful wife be destroyed by this illness. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. Talk to me about karma. Seeing my beautiful girl cry those sad sad tears and hug me so hard over and over again while my heart shattered and my eyes exploded with tears, again and again. Talk to me about karma. We were the 3 amigos, best friends, mom and step dad to an amazing little girl. I already miss our family so much. My heart cries for all three of us. This is cancer. This is hell, no need for the Bible version.