You MUST Stop

**If this blog entry offends anyone, I apologize. My purpose is not to offend anyone. As you will see while reading this, I too was guilty of it. That being said, in the last few weeks I have seen some awful things said to other people. And to me. Today, was the absolute kicker.**



Seriously. Stop.

You MUST stop.

Let me be very clear.


Please, for all that is right in this world, stop.

Stop telling others that your loss is worse.

Stop telling others that you loved your spouse more.


Stop comparing.

Stop trying to steal the grief crown from the rest of society.

Stop trying to wrestle it from someone else who also buried or burned their spouse.

You must.

It is essential.

We as a grieving community deal with so much crap from the outside world.

So much crap from the outside world that cannot even begin to fathom our pain.

Idiotic and insensitive things are said to us daily.

Do we have to say them to each other too????

We must stop.

See what I did there?

I said we. I changed it. I SAID WE.

Because, in the past, I have done it too.

My loss is worse than theirs.

Michelle and I only dated for a year. Madly in love. I fell. Eight years without her. She came back to me. Then boom. Cancer Hell.

Married in a courthouse. She was sick as could be. Surgery after surgery. Treatment after treatment. In the end. She died on me.

We didn’t even have our wedding ceremony. She died two weeks before it was to take place. Think that story sucks? If you only knew the rest.

That’s only ten percent of our truth. Try and keep pace.

Get it?

That’s how my mind use to work.

I had it worse.

Than everyone else.

I loved her more.

Than everyone else loved their spouse.

I wore the damn grief crown.

No more.

I took that off a LONG time ago.

Because of you all.

Because of this blog.

And everything that I have learned through it.

My eyes were opened.

And oh yes, I am going to keep rhyming here – my mind was SOUND.

Profound loss. Is profound loss.

A broken heart. Is a broken heart.

A crushed soul. Hell – you get it by now – it’s a crushed soul!!!!

The absolute and pure truth of the matter is that not all loss is created equal.

There are losses that are absolutely worse than others.

The absolute and pure truth of the matter is that not love is created equal.

There is love that is absolutely stronger than others.

You can feel that way about your loss. That it is more devastating than that of others.

You can feel that way about your love. That is more powerful than that of others.

But for the love of God – KEEP IT TO YOURSELF!!!!

Your expression of your love and your loss being worse than that of everyone else only hurts those in the grieving community.

A prolonged illness. A sudden death. Fifty years together. Or taken young; a time theft.

None of this is easy.

None of this grand.

Stop trying to win the grief crown.

Instead, reach out to a fellow griever.

And lend a hand.

© Copyright 2017 John Polo


  1. // Reply

    Bless you for being here John. I think I really needed your blog post today. You always seem to say the right things to us. just saying Thank you! hugs

  2. // Reply

    Thank you so much.Your absolutely right we are all slightly guilty of doing it.The other day I was at a mourning walk group and a lady asked me how long has it been since my husband has passed away I told her a year she then looked at me and said oh well it’s worse for me I’m newly widowed and another lady said her as well .I thought to myself…This shouldn’t be a contest but just silently nodded because I realized that in away I did that to in the beginning in different ways but I did.
    Your blog has been helping me a lot. Keep up the good work as well as helping yourself your helping so many.

  3. // Reply

    Agree wholeheartedly. Comparisons do nothing positive, they don’t take away any pain. There’s no prize to win. Invalidating someone’s pain by saying our own is worse can really hurt and cause people to close off, but I’m probably preaching to the converted here!

  4. // Reply

    I am not widowed but I walk with those who are, and I refer to this as “the grief Olympics” and when that happens, someone is always going for the gold. You are so right–for each person, it is his or her own worst pain, and trying to take that and make it into a badge, a coat of arms, a demonstration of who loved more, loved longest, loved best–is exhausting and unfair and heartbreaking and unnecessary but sometimes we fall nonetheless. We rise again, and walk together, holding each other up, supporting each other’s despair, those who are bereaved, and those of us who try to help provide a light in the cave.

  5. // Reply

    Right on target.
    It’s not a contest😢

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