I Wish I Had You Way Back Then (to the grieiving community)

I wish I had you way back then. When she was sick. And I was watching her die. I wish I knew you existed. When I angrily cursed to a Higher Power.  And asked, “Why?” I wish I had you way back then. When I needed more than just a friend. I could have used […]

A Hopeful Man

Hope. We had you. From time to time. The truth is though, you were more of a dream. Not a reality. Of hers. Or mine. Early on, we felt you so. A few weeks into our new reality, we felt you go. ‘’We got it all John.’’ Cancer. No more. I thought we were free. […]

Grief Is

Grief is crying on the floor. So very loudly. Yet nobody is there to hear, or see, your horror. Grief is the future missed. You would give anything for just one more hug. Or just one more kiss. Grief is death. For them. But it feels like for you too. The world moves on it […]

You MUST Stop

**If this blog entry offends anyone, I apologize. My purpose is not to offend anyone. As you will see while reading this, I too was guilty of it. That being said, in the last few weeks I have seen some awful things said to other people. And to me. Today, was the absolute kicker.**   […]

Dear Jessica (You Are Not Alone)

Up until this very moment, I had only admitted this to a few close friends, but the truth is the last month or so I have been occasionally frustrated with my blog page. I pour so much of my heart and soul into it, exposing my deepest thoughts, fears and emotions. I get frustrated because […]

Give Me Normal (Please)

Where is my normal life? The one we were set to have. Health. Peace. The extremely beautiful wife. It was taken away. Cancer did us in. 1 in 7 billion the doctor said. John and Michelle, for the ‘We’ve never seen this before’, type of win. That’s what people don’t quite get. It’s not just […]

It Bothers Me When

It bothers me when. It bothers me when: I get introduced to someone as John. And there is no Michelle. That, in itself, is a moment of Hell. It bothers me when: They think that I am a single man. Because I am not. I was wed. And she is dead. It bothers me when: […]

It’s Worth the Pain

I dream about you, from time to time.  You are so real.  Just as beautiful as ever. You shine. The truth is though, it hurts so much. When I wake up and you are not there. My mind reels. My soul feels bare. My heart is confused, as to how it feels. About these dreams. […]

If She Were My Widow (In Honor of National Widows Day)

Michelle, It’s National Widows Day. May 3rd. I know you don’t pay a lot of attention to these types of things. But I also know you heard. I see you cry. Every single day. It hurts me still. I wish there was another way. You know I fought so hard. With all of my might. […]

Cancer Warrior: Your Star Will Never Fade

How do you stand so tall? How do you walk so proud? How do you smile easily? How do you laugh so beautifully? How do you comfort others? How do you shine with such grace?  With such class?  With such dignity? I use to ask my wife those questions. The ultimate Cancer Warrior. She fought […]